I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
You Might Also Like
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
My birthstone is pecan pie.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
I’ve been following a really strict diet for several months now and lately I’m having these nightmares where I wake up and I’m surrounded by a ton of junk food wrappers that I ate in the night. It’s pretty hilarious.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
I swear to god after this election I’m taking a long break from social media for 2-3 hours
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
OH. COME. ON.
Women are like buses, if you missed the last one, another will be along shortly to run you over.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough