I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
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My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
9YO: dad, what animal would you say you most look like?
ME: i dunno, a turtle maybe
9: haha yeah
ME: what about you?
9: i don’t look like an animal
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
please be safe all; there’s a guy on here telling girls he has a hot tub but it’s just a normal bathtub filled with hot water
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
was going to buy this diversion safe but realized somewhat ironically that the only thing of value to my name is a can of hormel chili
