I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
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You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
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“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.