Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg

me: [typing] donkey kong

fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it

me: donkey kong no tie

fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down

If I had two brownies, I’d give you one

little corner off of one

The news is so predictable nowadays

me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]

him: [on deathbed] NURSE

1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future

2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart

The cool thing about ignoring a notification is being surprised to see it over and over again

Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.

Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.

[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?

I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.

Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone

Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?

[at the pub]

I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.

Her: Quit talking to me

So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”

I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?

Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive

DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does

How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.

interview tip #86

be honest when asked about yourself

[later]

interviewer: so tell me about yourself

me: not without my lawyer present

A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.

“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.

I’m doomed.

I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet

I always thought it was strange that Peter Parker works as a photographer…

Shouldn’t he be working in web design?

Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!

EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-

Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun

my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga

My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.

Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.

My stylist: Yes, that too.

at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations

THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.

“Wrong house guys.”

ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?

“Yup, happens a lot.”

OKAY COOL, SORRY.

Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From