Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.

me: I was mugged by a snake

cop: was he armed?

me: *long pause* no

*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?

You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.

People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.

Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG

I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.

ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?

WIFE: Google Earth

ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!

Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.

ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.

“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”

Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.

Label: Non-habit forming

Me: Challenge accepted

*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*

fava beans
a nice chianti
dave

[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]

*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?

Wife: Please go wait in the car

boss caught me photoshopping sir patrick stewart in different wigs so a visit to hr is probably on the horizon

describing stardew valley

I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.

My signature move is illegal in 37 states.

like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)

them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know

Not trying to brag but this cop says my rear end is smoking

Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.

No, Autocorrect ….

the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –

though she can be devilish at times.

Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY

My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]

Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.

My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.

[in bed]

Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…

Me: *removes ear plugs*

*removes sleeping mask*

*removes snoring strip*

*removes mouth guard*

Hey…

Husband: *sleeping*