Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mirror, mirror on the wall…

Mirror: I said no.

if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler

He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts

Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America

I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.

[job interview]

“So what are your goals for working here?”

To be home by 5

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.

Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.

Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.

Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.

My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture

[police stakeout]

me: suspect spotted

partner: again, that’s a dalmation

I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.

If you had purchased extra tape a month ago, then put it away in a safe place until it was time to wrap presents, where–hypothetically–might that have been

As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”

Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.

Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.

Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:

Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?

Because he didn’t have the guts!

Happy Halloween 🎃

[interview at a clothing store]

be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog

“so what color is this dress?”

oh you gotta be kidding me

DO YOU MEAN YOUR FRIEND GROUP?????

ME: *gets down on one knee*

HER: omg

ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome

It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:

1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat

Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”

ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile

CELLMATE: no

I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.

I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked

Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.

Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.

Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not

What

We

Eat.

Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat

Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold

I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.

Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.

one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king