Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: Um, what are you doing?

Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor

Husband:…

Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels

I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.

An Asian guy named Glenn?

Please

Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.

Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*

He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave

Me: *wolf whistles*

Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT

Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?

Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…

Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?

Batman: You’re the decoy

[Plastic surgeon’s office]

Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*

Secretary: what the hell was that?

Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill

[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!

Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?

Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –

Son: Mom!

Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy

[first day as a cashier]

customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper

me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying

“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Made terrible sandwiches.

I like my women with curves.

Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.

According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.

Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.

Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.

Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh

Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones

Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go on

Marvel Exec: Get out.

Painting safety tip :

When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.

“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot

“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wife

Same

As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.

coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys

That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us

me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY

me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying

no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls

I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!

Labreador

me: i need to make a follow up appointment

receptionist: ok how about 10 next tuesday

me: no i only need one