Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.

Him: Grew peas?

Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.

The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them

My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.

If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.

My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.

7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.

RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”

All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.

“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.

Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?

Me: *slides tampons across counter*

Cashier: Nevermind…

I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.

I’m not stressed

my boyfriend just said “i encourage you to try all things” to our cat who was licking up buffalo sauce

Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes

[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet

When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous

Me: what did you get into??

8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.

What I say:
Play outside.

What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.

I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane

Me: maybe we should let it live

Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?

Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale

Ahab: …ha

Me: haha

Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez

Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot

Ahab: oh like immediately

If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore

My 7yo said she was a vegetarian & asked for a salad but then complained she wanted chicken on it but “NOT TOO MUCH chicken” because she’s a vegetarian but then she ate the chicken too fast so she’d “actually like more chicken” but “only on salads because I’M A VEGETARIAN.”

McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.

And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.

Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …

Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!

Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]

Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.

I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug

I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.

*pronounces bondage like corsage.

If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.

*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.