I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.
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10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
Ok in The Quiet Place why do these characters so underutilize the ol “throw a rock over there” trick
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.