I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.
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so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
The horror of touching the spoon on the bin when disposing of a tea bag.
Another spoon will now be on stirring duty. A pure spoon.
Me: Sounds great but I can’t go.
Them: Why?
Me: My car is haunted.
Them: Haunted?
Me: So haunted.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare