I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
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“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
date: what music do you listen to?
me: oh, uhh you know. crosby, stills. (1 hour later) nash. (sending her a text message the next day) and young
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.
But cases continue to rise.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something