I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
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In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
B
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
I used to work for a large pharmaceutical company. I used to host a load of fake meetings in the nice meeting room, just so me and my colleagues could have a free coffee and biscuits.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Mad that at the end of BatB (Beauty and the Beast) the breaking of the spell turns all the furniture back into the Beast Prince’s staff and they all just continue to work there??? Buddy you’ve been a wardrobe for so many years why don’t you go and be free
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.