Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”

I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted

Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.

The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.

How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?

Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT

Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.

My son came out as gay recently, I told him that it is all OK (of course) and that I always knew. Truth is I didn’t have a fucking clue. I thought the other one was gay, and he’s now had three kids with three women. I’m the owner of the world’s least accurate Gaydar.

I clicked on one of those DM messages

And now it burns when I tweet

Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.

I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.

tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup

Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you

[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath

Just had my nails done!

Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life

If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.

Judge: I find you guilty of all charges

Neutron: This is some bullshit

My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?

i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago

We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79

[writing my first autopsy report]

There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy

I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna

them: are you with someone or are you alone?

me: *winks* who’s asking?

them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.

[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!

I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.

“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.

I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.

me: my boss is working me to the bone

my dog: hell yeah

kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank

me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*