Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.

Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”

As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.

eating beef jerky and thinking that cow probably shoulda drank more water

My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever

You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.

I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-

ＰＯＯＦ！[ponytail appears]

[space launch]

ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem

ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned

ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems

If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.

I know this now.

Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again

dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot

Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.

Note to self: just because it’s in the map app’s directions doesn’t mean the road is paved.

Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.

It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree

As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you

Me : I will never work for my boss again…

She : Why ? What did he said to you??

Me : ‘You are Fired’

me: will you please pass the bee barf?

wife: please stop calling the honey that.

My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff

*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*

Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.

University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,

The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores

I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.

Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.

if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming

trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”

13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.

Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.

Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night

Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak

Wife: what no that wasn’t it

Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what

6: I want to grow my hair longer.

Me: Oka—

6: So I can bite it.

Me: