Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway

“Not that one” I whisper moments too late

My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.

… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.

[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*

Genie: what are your three wishes

Me: make me a waffle

[suddenly I am a waffle]

Me: no, like a waffle to eat

[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]

Me: no! for me to eat

[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]

I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.

Breaking news:

*looking in The Mirror of Erised*

Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*

Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*

my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.

I asked my 6 year old if he wanted to try out again for the school play and he said no I think I’ll take a break from Hollywood.

Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!

Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?

Woman: Yes! No!

ACED my prostate exam!

DTF (Down time finally)

-mom’s everywhere

*waits several days to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that!

*waits a week to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that

*waits a month to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that!

[plot twist] ur buried vertically

Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.

Husband: It just happened.

Me: But it was in the past.

Husband: It was five minutes ago.

Me: In. The. Past.

Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.

Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.

Me: Please throw your trash away.

Child: I’m too tired!!

Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]

“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend

Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.

Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.

i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me

I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available

Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul

Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please

Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.

me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son

wife: of course not, where is he

me: I just told you

This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.

My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.

“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.

My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.

I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.