Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *dressed as a dragon*

Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy

Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya

I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.

*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza

The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.

Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans

This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.

The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.

[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No

Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”

Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se

When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”

…I am not a catfish.

Why am I like this?

She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.

I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”

I love the word “rapscallion”, not only are you a rascal but you’re also being a bit of a spring onion about it too.

Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem

Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu

Sure sex is great, but have you found an awesome clean washroom when you desperately had to pee?

Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.

How did they know the suspect had a ghost gun?

It fired boohlets.

My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting

watching gymnastics

[first day as Uber driver]

ME: Are you Keith?

Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:

A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother

An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.

Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.

I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round

me: ah the house is so clean now

sun rays shining through the window: you sure about that?

Me: (Sigh) There she is.

Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.

Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!

Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician