[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
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any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
I’m not an olympic sprinter, I just run like one when my ex wants to talk.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Everyone should have that “tester” first twitter account to screw up and learn from… You know, kinda like that first child you have.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
I don’t punish the dog for eating my unattended food because I do the same thing to other people