@SkinnerSteven

I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out

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@ShutUpThatsWho

[pirate ship capturing another ship]

Pirate: Prepare to be bored!

Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?

*pirate opens stamp collection*

@chrissyteigen

any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow

@Parentpains

I’m not an olympic sprinter, I just run like one when my ex wants to talk.

@BoogTweets

Invention of the hug:

“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”

@caliraingirl

Everyone should have that “tester” first twitter account to screw up and learn from… You know, kinda like that first child you have.

@DanMentos

doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what

@MAngelo505

FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.

@jake_lach

I don’t punish the dog for eating my unattended food because I do the same thing to other people