I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out

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Life was simpler when photo albums were books containing pleasant family snaps and not digital online librarys of me puking in a shoe.


Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.


You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.

– Broadway producers


Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?


My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.


Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?


People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS


me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money

me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one