Life was simpler when photo albums were books containing pleasant family snaps and not digital online librarys of me puking in a shoe.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
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Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
The only thing I arouse is suspicion.
Alice in Wonderland taught me to drink things that I’m unsure of
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one