@SkinnerSteven

I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out

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@C3Ballin

Life was simpler when photo albums were books containing pleasant family snaps and not digital online librarys of me puking in a shoe.

@karanbirtinna

Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.

@AimeeHelene1

You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.

– Broadway producers

@wumother

Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?

@DothTheDoth

My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.

@mrtruthandsoul

Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?

@imdaintyaf

People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS

@itsBOMBARDIER

me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money

me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one