I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
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Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
I just want the confidence of my teen who replied “Who’s this?” to a guy who texted her after ghosting her for a month.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”
pelicons
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Lmao the reply
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
– Are you suuure there’s nothing to eat?
-One moment, let me check my bra
Jazz enthusiast: It’s really about the notes they DON’T play.
Me, trying to impress him: Yeah I’m constantly not playing notes. I’m actually not playing notes right now even.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.