Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.

Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About

i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
ＮＯＡＨ．ＴＨＥＹ ＨＡＶＥ ＴＯ ＢＥ ＡＬＩＶＥ
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took

Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.

Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.

Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.

Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded

Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit

When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.

I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.

Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.

I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡

[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]

My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.

Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.

i saw someone a few weeks ago say “if brain eating bacteria got into your head it would starve” and i’ve been saying it to people since. just incredible. a really great insult

The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.

me: are there really aliens at area 51

pentagon official: that’s confidential

me: then how’d i hear about it

My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion

Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday

No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.

Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.

I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after

Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror

“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”

What do you mean?

“It’s all denty”

I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭

Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.

My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.

The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly

I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.

Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.