I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
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My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.