I’m starting to regret building that time portal. A version of me from a dystopian alternate future keeps coming back to eat my chips. He says the alien government’s killbots won’t let them have snacks, but he always shows up covered in Cheeto dust.
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I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
I asked my coworker what he got his wife for Christmas and he said “a vacuum” and I was like damn did u get her an exercise bike too and he had no idea what I was talking about
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes