I’m starting to regret building that time portal. A version of me from a dystopian alternate future keeps coming back to eat my chips. He says the alien government’s killbots won’t let them have snacks, but he always shows up covered in Cheeto dust.
You Might Also Like
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
A couple walks toward me with their dog, a Briard. Of course they want me to ask about the dog. I pretend I don’t speak English.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
dark side of the loom
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Worst Native American name ever.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way