Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.

Her: Do I look fat?

Him: Do I look stupid?…

I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.

True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆

A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.

“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.

What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?

I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.

Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.

Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…

My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!

Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.

life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe

My hypnotist is not a quack. I have never googled my hypnotist. My hypnotist has not stolen from me.

hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concerned

let’s talk

Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur

me: I won’t I’m not an idiot

Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery

me: *eyes narrow*

I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.

Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.

Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*

Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”

Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”

THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals

me *swallowing pride*

baby lion: holy shit

(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?

Me: 46 and out of shape

Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket

14: (setting his alarm for 5am)

11: Why so early?

14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.

Me: That is correct.

restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place

The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.

Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.

*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*

What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?

Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.