Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly

It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk

*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*

She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”

I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle

*Christmas with The Schrödingers

Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?

*His family smiles nervously at each other

Cashiers are always checking me out

Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?

“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”

you like when people scratch your belly?

Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.

[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job

45% of divorces stem from $ issues.

45% are caused by infidelity.

The remaining 10% have been linked to IKEA purchases requiring assembly.

Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant

(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow

Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.

[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous

My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”

My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”

NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food

*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression

Wanted:
1 Psychic.

You know who you are.

every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun

I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?

Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.

Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.

once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”

If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful

Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.

Me: ok cool.

~6 mos later~

Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?

Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.

Ghost: [quietly sobs]

Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’

Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’

Therapist: ‘Really?’

Me: ‘No.’

I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share

Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.

Him: Who’s The Man?!?

Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….

Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women