I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
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My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”