@ericsshadow

I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.

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@a_olivia4212

We have a saying in Germany. It is better to have loved and lost than to engage in a land war with Russia in the winter.

@OverlyManlyMann

Everyday, millions of plants are killed by vegetarians. Help stop the violence. Eat a steak.

@kimtopher22

My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.

@brodyfontane

I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.

Thanks YouTube

@MyNameIsArchaic

Day 27 without sports:

Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.

@ObviousOstrich

If every person in the world held hands around the equator a significant portion of them would drown.

@brynnester

[Driving Lesson]
“You’ve been learning a few weeks now”
Me:Yes
“Progress has been slow”
Me:Yes
“Perhaps it’s time you sat up front with me?”

@Shen_the_Bird

[first day as a baker]

boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again

me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second

@MissNaughty1801

7y: mummy, how long have you been married to daddy?
Me: 7 years
7y: how long have you got left?

@meganamram

How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test