I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
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I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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totally get it, nature valley bar, i also pretend to be healthy and then crumble under the slightest pressure
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
I wish I could put an AirTag on my sanity.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
Kidnapper: your coming with me
Me: * you’re
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
Florida man