Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You brake checked me? My baby is car-seatless rolling around the floor like a water bottle, and you brake check me?

why isn’t he texting back

THE AUDACITY. 😤

me: are you a cop you talk the talk.

ex-cop: not anymore

me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.

ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.

She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.

[ First day as a bartender ]

Me: *unzips customers pants*

Him: wtf!?

Me: you said make it stiff

HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD

Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.

GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment

ME: finally a program for me

the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face

Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?

ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]

This is niece.

I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.

{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.

[2025]

Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.

I remember the time we were at a Restaurant, and my wife told me she was going to have A Baby! …And I decided just to have the Soup of the Day ..

*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*

I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.

only targaryens can ride dragons?

explain this game of thrones

Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.

If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?

God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine

[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?

Friend: yeah sure!

Me: *starts beatboxing*

My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.

Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.

Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.

Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.

Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic

[First Date]

Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.