Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.

When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”

PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood

I had to cancel my summer concert tour due to lack of ticket sales too so I know how Jennifer Lopez is feeling right now

Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.

Good times!

Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.

“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.

“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”

At least he biked 12 blocks?

When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend

A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?

It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?

Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.

If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.

(hours before leaving on a road trip)

You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.

Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?

Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂

#archaeohistories

Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)

I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.

I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!

Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.

I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.

Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA

Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast

The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.

You can’t taste a wooden spoon just by looking at a picture

The picture:

6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?

11: Post Melon

6:

Water: can you do me a solid?

God: sure *turns it into ice*

I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.

[watching kids make snowman]

Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?

Wife: Yes…why?

Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…

If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.

I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.

[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?

My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.