I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
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lmaaaaaooooooooo
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.