Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu

No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper

WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.

ME: oh yeah? How much?

WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?

My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me

I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.

“thank you for choosing Amtrak” no problem there are no other trains

~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE

What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon

I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”

Accurate

oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments

My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.

If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.

Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane

Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.

Namaste

Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.

And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?

There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain

Literally! 🤣 #dogs

“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.

She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.

She just gave you her stomach virus.

so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one

me: hey can i get some ground?

groundhog: you may not.

I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.

First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.

Women: You didn’t need that rule.

I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.

lots of war chat today so it is time to remind everyone that you did not in fact fight in world war 2, that was a film you saw

I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.

Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.