Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!

HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over

ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over

I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.

People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.

He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.

if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry

Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.

Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.

I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.

[3 days into dieting]

*sees ad for burger & fries*

*drowns in his own saliva*

me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!

My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this

My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.

Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked

Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.

IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me

Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist

Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.

CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home

They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.

If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you

They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside

her: we should get a labrador

me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind

Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virus

Physicist screws up:
Deadly black hole

Geologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor

A customer told me they were never coming back….

Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.

Girl: I love Medieval Art

Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now

Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?

I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.

“Why you watching this shit?”

Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?

Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.

“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”

Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.

Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]

My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that