I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
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Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Me *retaining absolutely nothing you just said*: Yeah, got all that.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there![]()
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Good point.
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sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good