Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]

Ahhhh, there it is…

Wife: Get off of me!!

Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.

Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.

I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.

I have diarrhea.

Love this guy

When I said I liked it rough.

Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.

ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”

Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people

Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids

my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings

me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again

my grandpa: well i’ll be damned

Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind

It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.

Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.

Me: I like naughty girls

Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*

Me: Not you

Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*

Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.

From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?

Me: *nods*

Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon

the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough

Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.

Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?

Me: because you’re a pessimist.

My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…

I don’t know what he said after that.😑

My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar

You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.

*I come home with an empty stroller*

WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?

ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle

WIFE:

ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK

My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.

I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.

I peeled 5 pounds of potatoes. That’s 14 newton-meters for the Europeans

Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?

I just got the emailed receipt from her shopping trip and It’s taking forever for my wife to get home and “catch” me doing the dishes

Happy Halloween !
Cartoon credit: Berger & Wyse

Mob boss: fellas, restrain him

me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me

Mob boss: and gag him