I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
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Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Dune (2021)
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok