H: where did you move after your divorce?
I moved on.
I’m starting to think I overuse exclamation points. It ends today. Right now. I’ll never ever use one again. I’m so excited about it. Yes.
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Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*bottle with note washes up on beach
“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog