Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.

Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”

A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.

I falcon love using swear birds

*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok

*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!

Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad

“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”

The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.

[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.

[First day as pig farmer]

Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right

(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,

SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman

ME: there is no bogeyman honey

SON: he’s not real?

ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago

SON:

ME: there was so much blood

SON:

ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer

please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume

I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron

Is anyone gonna tell them?

Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?

So now I’m told that when cats bring in dead mice, they aren’t “trophies”, but a critique on your own ability to hunt and feed yourself. Which is a bit rich from an an animal that gives it the big leg rub when it fancies a pouch of salmon & herring, the grifting whiskery pricks.

Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.

Life plan:

1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!

okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic

You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge

I just hope they never ban YouTube because I’ll never be able to figure out how to fix anything ever again.

They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most

I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective

I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.

I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”

When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”

Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America

Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point

Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure

Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?