im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
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[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
they’re just heading into the office early to ketchup on some paperwork
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.