im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together

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11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.


I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.


RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.


The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.


*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.


me: have kids they said. it’ll be fun they said

maternity nurse: hey put those babies back


When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”

When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”


As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.


McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold


911: What’s your emergency?

Me: I’m scared. I *gasp* can’t *gasp* breathe *gasp* again!

911: Sir, for the last time, unbutton your pants.