I should’ve been a child star so I could’ve gotten all my working out of the way and been an accomplished drug addict by now.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
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*Goes to morgue*
*Sits with cool kids*
[At urinal maker store]
Urinal maker: Let’s make some of them curved so the pee splashes on their legs LOL.
Other urinal maker: K. LOL
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Me: you want some trail mix?
Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
The past, the present & the future walk into a bar.
It was tense.
cellphones are ruining the Boyfriend Throwing Pebbles at the Girlfriend’s Bedroom Window industry