@dubstep4dads

im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together

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@catlikethiefx0

I should’ve been a child star so I could’ve gotten all my working out of the way and been an accomplished drug addict by now.

@jergarl

[At urinal maker store]

Urinal maker: Let’s make some of them curved so the pee splashes on their legs LOL.

Other urinal maker: K. LOL

@Robert_Beau

The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.

@SortaBad

2008: I want a career where I change the world

2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of

2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues

@TheNardvark

She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.

@Senor_LongDong

[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?

Friend: yeah sure!

Me: *starts beatboxing*

@suziqkelley

The past, the present & the future walk into a bar.

It was tense.

@jazz_inmypants

cellphones are ruining the Boyfriend Throwing Pebbles at the Girlfriend’s Bedroom Window industry