im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
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Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr