Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
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Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.