Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
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Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
“You can’t just erase people out of your life”
Me:
Very good news from my accountant
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
I didn’t have time to change clothes before a surprise business meeting so I had to meet with them dressed in jeans & a t shirt with a flying saucer on the front with “I want to leave” in big letters under it. (Everyone else wore a suit.) It went fine but I’m still laughing.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.