I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
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I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
However I die, I want my tombstone to say “Unknown Local Man Found Eaten By Squirrels.”
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
9yo: Do you prefer chocolate or vanilla?
Me: Depends on the day
9yo: Let’s say it’s a Tuesday
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
yeah nice try. not falling for that again
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting