I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
You Might Also Like
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
date catches me googling “how to hamburger” when she asks if i can cook
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota