I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
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Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
My patience has stretch marks.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Bringing back this classic
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.