Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dead animal names:

A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon

you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer

Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now

Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.

my boss: how are you late to work again

me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away

Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”

Everyone else: hold my beer

Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit

Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.

You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.

Nicole Kidman said WHAT?!

the Monday after daylight savings

The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.

*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?

Asked a guy who had clearly just finished a run how long he’s been into running and he was like “an hour?” And I was like no I mean in your life? And he was like “my run was an hour long”

DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!

ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!

FAMINE: What did you expect?

ME: lol

WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!

ME: you want a sugar cube?

FAMINE:… Yes

The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.

Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too

It’s that simple 👊🏻

I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.

Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish

*gets bitten by a radioactive bear

*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear

[Gender reveal party]

Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?

Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.

[Planning Rustic Vacation]

Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?

Her: What’s the difference?

M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.

H: I meant in price.

My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.

He’s not amused.

My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.

Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”

crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it

going from an agency to a company that cares about you is crazy because my boss said “please don’t apologize for having spinal surgery” and i was like “are you sure”

There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.

I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks

‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.

God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”