Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.

I went to the car park. There were no slides or swings. My car just sat there. Sad.

[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”

Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx

You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..

I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”

Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?

Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.

[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]

Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade

I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons

When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.

Me every time my old dentists office calls me to schedule an appointment not knowing I changed to a new dentist

Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.

My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?

[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircut

HER: I need more volume

ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT

I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.

when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”

When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day

I need to remind myself daily that I am pretty awesome and that I can do absolutely anything.

Except reach the top shelf, I can’t do that.

I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.

guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-

guard 2: AAAAAAHHH

guard 1: always screams

me: doesn’t that get annoying?

guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome

The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…

Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.

I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.

my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son

Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?

8-year-old: Are you going to Meet the Teacher Night?

Me: Do you want me to meet your teacher?

8: No.

Now I’m definitely going.

mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing

Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath

oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode

you could not pay me to delete this app