I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
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Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
I really need a sledgehammer for perfectly harmless reasons.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.