I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
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[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Brain: that was a good cookie
Body: here’s 4 pounds
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
I’m willing to pay more for a powerful banh mi.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.