Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sry

ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…

[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”

Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats

I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.

Me: I’m really at the end of my rope

Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING

That second sandwich was a mistake.

– me, making a third sandwich

CASHIER: what, no tip?

ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt

CASHIER: no, i meant money

ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)

I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.

Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”

Me: “ok”

Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”

My roommate is looking for a summer subletter and a dad responded on his nineteen year old son’s behalf.

He described his son as “very mature”.

Sir, if you are figuring out your adult son’s roommate situation for him, he is not “very mature”.

nurse drawing my blood yelled “we have a fainter” like really loud before anything happened which bothered me but then i did faint so it was like okay nevermind fair

me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this

brain: even people who know you?

me: oh god no

I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.

Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.

I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.

Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”

Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.

First rule of flight club…no penguins.

Aries: The pain in your back is your skeleton trying to get away from the most annoying person in the world.

“Coming this summer, the exciting movie you’ve been waiting for!” – Teaser trailer

“You call those tires? You couldn’t haul a kitten, you wimp!” – Trailer teaser

People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers

God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.

Sloths: bro

dad just confused an episode of full house with a memory of our actual family and I had to be like no that wasn’t us you watched that on full house

Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil

Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car

😂😭

My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with

[in car]

7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd

*5 minutes later*

7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy

and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness