Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.

*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU

Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.

My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”

When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.

UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.

do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”

Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.

[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them

I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time

*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*

ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?

Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –

Yeff

You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.

I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.

My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.

Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two

The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.

[Riding carousel]

Her: um, we should move on

Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.

Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no

They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.

ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?

Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree

Rorschach: I did

Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!

I’m very loyal to whatever brand is on sale

Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”

Your honor, I was only doing a facepalm and his face got in the way of my face.

I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.

I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.

I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.

Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped