I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
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If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question