I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
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Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
Everyone’s family
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake