I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
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I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
New Tinder profile.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
What are a comedian’s pronouns?
He/he/he
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
When your man makes a valid point
In search of a lawyer who handles the most heinous of crimes. My 4yo woke me up at 5:30 this morning by sneezing in my face and then hopped away like a bunny.