Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.

ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.

When I die, I want my remains to be scattered at COSTCO. Also, I don’t want to be cremated

My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.

“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”

So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?

Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.

“Let’s agree to disagree.”

TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.

My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.

There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.

Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.

Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.

rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no

Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]

When the skirt was invented women only had one leg

Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?

AI: 17.

Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨

*solves baby formula supply chain issues*

Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.

My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.

If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all

Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.

I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.

DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.

Things I learnt from Avatar:

– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.

Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.

Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”

Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.

What?

i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled

My wife asked me, “How do I look?”

I said, “With your eyes.”

I almost lost mine.

My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…