I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
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the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
philosophical skeletons be like
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Come closer…..and let me just rest this pillow on your face.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive