I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
You Might Also Like
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
From my Mom
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
One venti cheeseburger please.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.