I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
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“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
u can always tell when a man is dating someone new. why you going to aquarium and griffith observatory
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
A little boy just said thank you after taking a sweet and then wished me a very enthusiastic merry Christmas
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
America has a lot of faults as a country but we absolutely went off with garbage disposals in our kitchen sinks. “just use a food catcher?? scrape the food into the trash???” thank u Europe but we actually put loud finger-ripping chainsaws in our drains god bless❤️
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.