Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”

I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “

On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!

Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.

I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.

A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.

Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂

IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.

Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible

Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips

If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.

[5:30 AM alarm goes off]

Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?

Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.

Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.

Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché

I think I might have a shower.

*checks*

Yes, I have a shower.

[hanging out in my basement]

Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.

Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.

Time Traveler: “What year is it?”

Me: “2020”

Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”

Me

“comparison is the thief of joy” well sure if you’re a loser

A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.

ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you

20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels

…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.

By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.

my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*

me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT

Imagine Dragons.

No. Dragoner.

Cashier: “Have a great day!”

Me: “No thank you.”

the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget

I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.

I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.

When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way

When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph

[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no