I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
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“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
I have half a mind to…
Ope. Stupid autocorrect. Please ignore the “to…”
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
When I laugh on my period
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
Serving time in more than one prison is polyslamory.
I bet
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh