I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
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I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
I ordered mushrooms on my pizza.
When do they kick in?
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
It’s not a question of when will my daughter say mommy, it’s a question of when won’t she
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes