Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.

Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?

Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.

(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)

Today seems like as good a day as any to start drinking some of these 99 beers on the wall

No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.

I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.

subtitles are so good nowadays

I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.

This is my emotional support online shopping cart

You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.

*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password

[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]

Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here

Server: That’s a croque monsieur

M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please

[When your mom calls you by your full name]

Mom: Scoobert Doobert!

Scooby: Ruh roh

sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me

[First target practice]

Son: I missed

Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.

The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours

I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.

Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.

My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance

The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles

What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?

Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me

Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”

Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”

Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it

Someone suggested I try online dating, but it’s like I’m already on twitter duh

Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now

Renewed my membership this morning

Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE

Me: *opens door*

Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka

Any big tech pitch these days: So you know how we all hate the things that make life worth living, right? Well,

Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”

Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”

i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not

Romeo: Juliet is the sun.

Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T

The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien