Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.

The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving

SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs

SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough

Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.

“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.

The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.

His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.

What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us

Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.

Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.

Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.

Then I know.

Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.

Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead

My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings

These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.

That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.

Good guy: *kills henchman*

Henchman: wow

Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you

Henchman: WOW

Valuable child raising tip from the New York Times

The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.

Hear me out.

The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.

The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.

It’s a system I think would work.

Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough

The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious

Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.

Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.

my cat: I’d like to go out

me: ok

my cat’s tail: not me tho

I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.

I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.

[terrible nursing home]

Old guy: How did you end up here?

Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.

Him: *gasps* You monster.

interviewer: how would u describe yourself

me: unemployed