Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.

Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane

turtleneck: oooh cozy

mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY

What about second breakfast?

The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror

4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee

It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.

A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.

Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.

Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.

imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog

I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”

[china shop]

Bull: *walks in*

Shopkeeper: oh no

Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager

Shopkeeper: OH NO

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.

I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.

if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs

Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.

Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?

*Trips over the cat*

Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”

I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.

*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice

ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal

I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.

asked where the oysters were from and the waitress said “the sea”. never change, atlanta

If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.

Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live

Me: is there anything you can do?

Doctor: I can juggle

Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that

Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?

me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie

grim reaper: no

Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.

It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.

You have to keep it to a low ha.

#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes