Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons

Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles

Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.

older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah

My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.

The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*

[Next Night]

Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit

[me as a mechanic]

*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.

Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.

Me: so was this pie

I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…

I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.

…So I’ve got like 4 hours left

Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.

DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts

[tucking a hotdog behind my ear] I’m off for my run, babe. See you later.

excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though

My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.

My neopet probably thinks I’m dead

supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’

what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?

thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.

i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.

Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!

It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic

[Watching Alien: Resurrection]

*Alien dies*

Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.

I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.

Like Customs, for example.

Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.

Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.

Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered

Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.

Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.

My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA

What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.

angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight

God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?

angel: we also invented tequila