I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
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God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.