Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.

Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,

If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”

Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.

Fibula: Silently plots revenge.

Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.

church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-

[the ghostbusters barge in]

church choir, nervously: -oooats

[ghostbusters slowly back out]

My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you

Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything

I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings

Therapist: So why are you guys here?

Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.

Him: This is our first date?

Recently heard through the grapevine that my wife of twenty years boasted to her girlfriends on a tipsy night out that I was amazing in bed. She’s never said anything like that to me. I’m the proudest I’ve ever been, and I can’t tell anyone because I’m not supposed to know.

A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”

Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”

Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?

Let’s see her walk backward.

Now diagonally.

Cha-cha real smooth.

*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*

My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.

“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old

[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought

WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad

ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please

I’m awake but I object,

Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired

Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time

Toddler: I WANNA HELP!

Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to

At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.

my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all

Happy weekend !

boss: why are you so late?

me: why are you so obsessed with me?

Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.

Width of elevator: 5 feet.

“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.

I just told my husband I found a giant active wasp nest in our backyard and he said “I know! I saw that a few days ago!” so we got to have a lecture about “see something, say something.”

You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.

I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.