I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
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I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
dictator is short for richard potato
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.