Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: turtles stole my pizza today

therapist: interesting

me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas

therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES

me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield

6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that

*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*

be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge

[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?

“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.

I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.

*at the gym*

Trainor: Have a donut.

Me: Wow! Sure!

T: Here’s some pizza.

M: What kind of trainer are you?

T: I’m a Megan Trainor.

People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.

I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.

Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.

I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.

Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store

Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*

Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?

There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.

nurse: height

me: 6’4″

nurse: weight

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me: wait for what

Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?

Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.

Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.

Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?

I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.

My wife gave me an Oura ring.

Every night at 9 it tells me it’s time to get ready for bed.
It tells me when I should get up and walk around, and when I should relax.

Is my wife outsourcing?

The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding

My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.

Friend without kids: I’m so tired.

Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK

I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.

if we get nuked while i’m at work i’m gonna be so mad

[the creation of nostalgia]

GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings

ANGEL: okay

GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings

ANGEL: uh—

GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again

ANGEL: dude what is your problem

I sexually identify as a hand grenade

“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”

Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.

my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted