Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.

Worlds greatest photobomb

[police interrogation]

COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient

ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?

COP 1: What?

COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US

COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*

Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.

Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.

Therapist: still on the first card.

her: i’m having trouble walking after last night

me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun

If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it

Possum 911: What’s your emergency

Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!

Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?

Possum: Oh yeah

Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place

Honest job interview:

“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”

“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…

We’re all still reeling from the events yesterday. Here’s what we know:

-I got an everything bagel w/ chive cream cheese at 10:30am
-I went to the park at 10:39
-I put my bagel down to take a pic of a squirrel I think I’ve met before
-Bagel went missing at 10:40

More info soon.

Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah

I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads

Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”

Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”

My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.

ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*

EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?

I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.

Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.

[after giving performance of a lifetime]

ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now

MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son

*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!

*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*

Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆

Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.

“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.

Sorry I made promises on Friday

watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy

i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times

[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in

Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?

Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.

Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.

What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?