I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
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My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
#CoronaOutbreak
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Narrator: Along came a spider, and sat down beside her…
Spider: [doing the moonwalk]
Narrator: wtf no
Spider: [breakdancing]
Narrator: omg
Spider: [doing the robot] lol
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s