I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
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Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
EVERYBODY SHUT UP the plane they use to fly the horses from all over the world to the Olympics for the equestrian events is called AIR HORSE ONE
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts