I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
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ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
I have many caverns
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady