I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
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Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
Danger is very dangerous
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far