Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.

Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.

Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.

waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.

Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”

To which I replied: “a camera.”

Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.

due to financial reasons I will now be performing photosynthesis

The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.

Me: What word?

The child: Funking.

Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.

I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.

Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?

Excuse me sir, are you going to finish that existential crisis?

hear me out…

…lasagna-flavoured cologne

not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured

*licks wrists*

Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.

🤣🤣🤣🤣

But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.

There are no pants in heaven.

You’re telling me a penguin actually wrote all these classics??

A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).

I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.

[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible

The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.

i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work

Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer

I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.

me: *fixing something*

him: that’s not broken

me: well, it is now

I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”

They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…

One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.

It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions

Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.

Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.